Making sense of my grief

Making sense of my grief

Jul 28, 2020 | Grief, Personal Article

In this article I explore two theoretical grief models and how they would have helped me make sense of the grief and bereavement I felt when I lost my Dad.  If you have your own story of grief and would like to share it with me, I would love to hear from you. Please read my previous article ‘Losing My Dad’, to see where my grief journey began. If you think you might need some guidance on your grief journey, I can walk alongside you.

Making Sense of my Grief

We will all experience grief at some point in our lives. We feel grief because we have lost someone or something to which we have formed an attachment. Loss of any kind, whether it’s the loss of a career, the end of a marriage or the death of a loved one, leaves a hole in our lives that we often don’t know how to fill. The way we grieve is as unique as we are and there is no ‘right way’ to experience the bereavement of losing a loved one. Grief is a natural process and affects all aspects of our lives.  It can cause real physical pain and yet the process builds our resilience and brings us to a deeper understanding of the true value and meaning of life. 

Theoretical Grief Models

My counselling studies have introduced me to some extremely helpful theoretical frameworks and grief models, notably Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief and J.W Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning.  I knew nothing about these models when my Father passed away but when I reflect on those weeks, months and years following his death, I can see how they would have helped me to make sense of my grief.  I want to share these theories with you, my personal experience at each stage of my grief, and how they can help you on your personal path through bereavement.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross:  Five Stages of Grief

Kubler-Ross’s grief model helps to identify and move through the different stages of your grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance).

Denial:  Although the denial stage can initially help us to survive the overwhelming shock felt over the death of a loved one; I cannot say that I felt denial. I did feel a sense of shock and numbness. I felt somewhat disconnected from reality and I wished his death hadn’t occurred, however I felt a sense of acceptance early on.

Anger:   I most definitely felt a sense of anger. I was pretty much angry with the world. I felt that people should have understood the situation my parents were in and that an intervention could have saved my Dad. I was angry with my Mum for wearing my Dad out.  I was angry with my parents’ doctor for dismissing the seriousness of their situation. I was angry with myself because I thought I should have done more to help.

Bargaining:  The ‘what ifs’ was a big one for me.  ‘What if’ I had not forced my Dad to go to the hospital?  ‘What if’ I tried harder to get outside help? Why did my Mum have to have Alzheimer’s disease? Why did my Dad have to die first? Why? Why? Why? If only…….

Depression:  I believe depression is commonly associated with grief. I recall feeling intense sadness over the loss of my Dad, but I found myself making time to allow my grief to pour out in a more structured way.  If I were feeling particularly sad, I would wait until I was alone at night then I would sit and watch the DVD presentation of all the wonderful memories of my Dad’s life. I would cry my eyes out however doing this also gave me a sense of relief and enabled me to carry on with life and take care of the things that needed to be done.

 I developed an attitude that there would have to be a time and a place for me to release my emotions.  I didn’t want to be sad around my children and there was so much involved in the care of my mother that I had to find a way to hold it together.

Acceptance:  Every bereavement is unique and in my own case, acceptance was something I experienced soon after my Dad’s death. Maybe that was what I needed to feel to be able to cope with what had to be done moving forward.   I think acceptance is  the moment you realise that although you miss someone terribly and wish you could go back in time, you will be ok if you can find ways to feel comfort rather than pain from the memories.

JW Worden – The Four Tasks of Mourning

Task 1 – Accept the reality of the loss:  I must admit that thinking of grieving as something we do as a task sounds odd to me however according to Worden, accepting the reality of the loss is the foundation of healing and I think in my case this was true. I took great comfort in knowing that the rituals such as viewing the body and making the funeral arrangements, would be in the hands of my very capable work colleagues.  Most of them knew my Dad as he had spent some time in his retirement tending the beautiful gardens belonging to the funeral home.

Task 2 – Process your grief and pain: According to Worden, we should process our grief by navigating our way through it not by avoiding it. Although distractions are a good way of helping us to realise that there are still things in our lives that can bring us joy, we still feel the waves of grief wash over us and remind us that our loved one is no longer with us. In the early days after my Dad’s death, looking at the roses in the garden at the funeral home would remind me of him and bring a tear to my eye.  As time went on, I would feel a sense of his presence and smile knowing that the roses were so beautiful due to his loving care.

Task 3- Adjust to the world without your loved one in it:  I think this was the hardest part of the journey for me; It involved having to move my Mum out of the home where she had lived with Dad until his death. It meant a huge downsizing and having to go through, and get rid of, a lot of his things in a short amount of time. I remember sitting in my Dad’s chair by the window and noticing the sticky fingerprints on the window. Those fingerprints were from my children, he would never let me clean the marks off as he said it reminded him of us visiting. I remember a time when my girls, who would have been 2 and 4 at the time, were sitting on his lap. I looked over to see a tear rolling down his cheek and I asked why he was crying.  He said that he felt sad to think that he was an old man in his eighties, and he knew he would never get to see them grown up. I will never forget the heartache I felt in that moment.

 I am still adjusting!

Task 4- Find a way to maintain a connection to the person who died while embarking on your own life.  Worden emphasizes that there is no fixed time frame for the completion of this task and doesn’t suggest we forget about our loved ones but rather we find a way to move forward with our lives with all the wonderful memories of the deceased. I have thought of my Dad every single day since he died nearly 14 years ago. Although he is no longer present in a physical sense, I often find myself repeating the things he used to say or laughing at the things he used to do. I have those thoughts and memories to treasure always.

Our grief is personal, unique and affects us all differently as we move between the stages and progress through the tasks.  We will all cope in our own way and in our own time.  We grieve because we loved. I can walk with you on that journey

Let me help you

Losing my Dad

Losing my Dad

Jul 23, 2020 | Grief, Personal Article

This article reflects on the emotions I felt on the death of my father and how even though there were tremendous feelings of sadness, grief, and guilt, there was also a sense of comfort and hope.

I remember sitting alone that Saturday  night, it was the AFL Grand Final , September 2006 and I was reading a magazine about Steve Irwin and thinking how terribly sad it was for the world  to have lost such  a vibrant and amazing human being.

I felt an uneasiness in me and knew that going to bed would be a waste of time. Then the phone rang; it was around 11pm. The uneasiness I felt suddenly turned to dread. I answered the phone; It was my brother.  He said, “Heather Dad died tonight.”

I will never forget the wave of shock and disbelief that washed over me. This was my Dad, a man who I loved so very much. How could he be gone?

I spoke with my brother for a few minutes and then hung up the phone. The household was silent as my children were all tucked up in bed.  I had never felt so alone, my Brother was calling from Queensland and would not be able to catch a flight to Victoria until the next day. I lived only two minutes away from my parents, but I could not go there as my Mother suffered from Alzheimer’s disease and at that time, saw me as an enemy. She had it fixed in her mind that I had stolen the knives and forks from her beach house and that I could not be trusted.

Mum’s moods were so changeable. Sometimes she would tell me what a blessing I was in her life and then at other times she would think I was the worst person in the world. It broke my heart to see her this way, but I learnt not to take it personally and that the dreaded illness was to blame. It was a difficult time for our family but especially for Dad as he and I were always so close.

I was comforted to know that my good friends who lived next door to my parents, and who had done so much for them, would take care of Mum until my Brother arrived the next day.

The Longest Night

After drinking a what seemed like a million cups of tea, I could not help thinking how a few months earlier my Dad had called me to ask if I could come down to visit as he was unwell in bed. It was that day he told me he was not coping with Mum and that she had become abusive towards him. He was very frail and began to cry. I asked him what he wanted me to do for him.

Please Hold My Hand

I will never forget his words. He said he had had enough of living and felt that he was ready to die but he was worried about Mum and what would happen to her. He asked me to spend the day sitting with him, holding his hand.  He said that if he were to die that night, he would be happy that I had that time with him and that he was comforted knowing I would take care of Mum.

I spent that day with my Dad holding his hand and talking about old times as he lay weak and tired in his bed. I remember thinking as the night drew near, how nervous I was at the thought of leaving.

I managed to convince him that he needed to go to the hospital. He very reluctantly agreed to go. He was admitted to hospital and diagnosed with Pneumonia.  I was informed that he may well have died had I not brought him in.

Dad recovered from the Pneumonia and although he was very frail, he returned home after a couple of weeks. It was then that Mum’s illness became increasingly hard to manage. I had made attempts to get some outside assistance, but Mum would no longer let anyone into the house including me. I was told there would need to be a crisis before anyone could intervene.

The Crisis

Dad’s death at home alone in the care of Mum who was incapable was to be the crisis that would change everything.

Peace, Hope and New Beginnings

As dawn was approaching, I walked outside to sit on the balcony with my tea, I looked up at the darkness and saw the sun appearing in the sky. It was that moment I realised I would never see my beautiful Dad again, but one thing was for certain; I also realised the sun was going to rise no matter what.

I thought, how can this be? My Dad has just died, and the sun was coming up like every other day. It just didn’t seem right. Time should stand still…  As I struggled with those thoughts, I began to feel a sense of peace and calm that although my life was about to change forever, the sun would always rise.  Ever since that day, the sunrise has been my personal sign of hope and new beginnings.

At the time of my Dad’s passing I was working behind the scenes for a very well-respected local funeral home. In the twelve years I had worked there, I had become familiar with the process from the death of a loved one to the final goodbye.

It was comforting for me to know that my Dad was in good hands and that every care would be taken to ensure that this time would be as stress free as possible. I had the utmost respect for my colleagues.  Their professionalism and genuine care were second to none.

My Journey

Looking back, I wish I had known then, what I know now, about the journey that would begin for me after the day of my Dad’s funeral.  The journey that sparked my passion to become a counsellor and help others to find hope and healing on their own journey through life.

Grief

It is important to remember that grief is complex. Theories such as the Kubler-Ross Model of Grief   https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/and

 Wordens’

 Four Tasks of Mourning https://whatsyourgrief.com/wordens-four-tasks-of-mourning/

 can help us to understand some of the overwhelming emotions we may be experiencing during the mourning process, but grief is unique, intensely personal, and felt differently by us all.

How I Can Help

As your Counsellor, I will sit with you as you share your story. I will acknowledge the significance of your loss and the intense emotions you may be experiencing. I will listen with compassion and empathy as you express your thoughts and feelings. Its ok to cry or not to cry, you may be angry and that’s ok too. There will be no judgment.  You will have the time and space to talk freely about your loved one and what they meant to you.

Sometimes we are so overwhelmed with our own grief that we neglect ourselves, making it harder to function on a day to day basis.  We will take some time to discuss the importance of looking after yourself at this difficult time and work together to form useful strategies for self-care and dealing with your emotions.

Grief can be particularly difficult if the death of your loved one was sudden or traumatic.  Reaching out to a professional can be most helpful under these circumstances. 

Let me help you.