This article reflects on the emotions I felt on the death of my father and how even though there were tremendous feelings of sadness, grief, and guilt, there was also a sense of comfort and hope.
I remember sitting alone that Saturday night, it was the AFL Grand Final , September 2006 and I was reading a magazine about Steve Irwin and thinking how terribly sad it was for the world to have lost such a vibrant and amazing human being.
I felt an uneasiness in me and knew that going to bed would be a waste of time. Then the phone rang; it was around 11pm. The uneasiness I felt suddenly turned to dread. I answered the phone; It was my brother. He said, “Heather Dad died tonight.”
I will never forget the wave of shock and disbelief that washed over me. This was my Dad, a man who I loved so very much. How could he be gone?
I spoke with my brother for a few minutes and then hung up the phone. The household was silent as my children were all tucked up in bed. I had never felt so alone, my Brother was calling from Queensland and would not be able to catch a flight to Victoria until the next day. I lived only two minutes away from my parents, but I could not go there as my Mother suffered from Alzheimer’s disease and at that time, saw me as an enemy. She had it fixed in her mind that I had stolen the knives and forks from her beach house and that I could not be trusted.
Mum’s moods were so changeable. Sometimes she would tell me what a blessing I was in her life and then at other times she would think I was the worst person in the world. It broke my heart to see her this way, but I learnt not to take it personally and that the dreaded illness was to blame. It was a difficult time for our family but especially for Dad as he and I were always so close.
I was comforted to know that my good friends who lived next door to my parents, and who had done so much for them, would take care of Mum until my Brother arrived the next day.
The Longest Night
After drinking a what seemed like a million cups of tea, I could not help thinking how a few months earlier my Dad had called me to ask if I could come down to visit as he was unwell in bed. It was that day he told me he was not coping with Mum and that she had become abusive towards him. He was very frail and began to cry. I asked him what he wanted me to do for him.
Please Hold My Hand
I will never forget his words. He said he had had enough of living and felt that he was ready to die but he was worried about Mum and what would happen to her. He asked me to spend the day sitting with him, holding his hand. He said that if he were to die that night, he would be happy that I had that time with him and that he was comforted knowing I would take care of Mum.
I spent that day with my Dad holding his hand and talking about old times as he lay weak and tired in his bed. I remember thinking as the night drew near, how nervous I was at the thought of leaving.
I managed to convince him that he needed to go to the hospital. He very reluctantly agreed to go. He was admitted to hospital and diagnosed with Pneumonia. I was informed that he may well have died had I not brought him in.
Dad recovered from the Pneumonia and although he was very frail, he returned home after a couple of weeks. It was then that Mum’s illness became increasingly hard to manage. I had made attempts to get some outside assistance, but Mum would no longer let anyone into the house including me. I was told there would need to be a crisis before anyone could intervene.
The Crisis
Dad’s death at home alone in the care of Mum who was incapable was to be the crisis that would change everything.
Peace, Hope and New Beginnings
As dawn was approaching, I walked outside to sit on the balcony with my tea, I looked up at the darkness and saw the sun appearing in the sky. It was that moment I realised I would never see my beautiful Dad again, but one thing was for certain; I also realised the sun was going to rise no matter what.
I thought, how can this be? My Dad has just died, and the sun was coming up like every other day. It just didn’t seem right. Time should stand still… As I struggled with those thoughts, I began to feel a sense of peace and calm that although my life was about to change forever, the sun would always rise. Ever since that day, the sunrise has been my personal sign of hope and new beginnings.
At the time of my Dad’s passing I was working behind the scenes for a very well-respected local funeral home. In the twelve years I had worked there, I had become familiar with the process from the death of a loved one to the final goodbye.
It was comforting for me to know that my Dad was in good hands and that every care would be taken to ensure that this time would be as stress free as possible. I had the utmost respect for my colleagues. Their professionalism and genuine care were second to none.
My Journey
Looking back, I wish I had known then, what I know now, about the journey that would begin for me after the day of my Dad’s funeral. The journey that sparked my passion to become a counsellor and help others to find hope and healing on their own journey through life.
Grief
It is important to remember that grief is complex. Theories such as the Kubler-Ross Model of Grief https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/and
Wordens’
Four Tasks of Mourning https://whatsyourgrief.com/wordens-four-tasks-of-mourning/
can help us to understand some of the overwhelming emotions we may be experiencing during the mourning process, but grief is unique, intensely personal, and felt differently by us all.
How I Can Help
As your Counsellor, I will sit with you as you share your story. I will acknowledge the significance of your loss and the intense emotions you may be experiencing. I will listen with compassion and empathy as you express your thoughts and feelings. Its ok to cry or not to cry, you may be angry and that’s ok too. There will be no judgment. You will have the time and space to talk freely about your loved one and what they meant to you.
Sometimes we are so overwhelmed with our own grief that we neglect ourselves, making it harder to function on a day to day basis. We will take some time to discuss the importance of looking after yourself at this difficult time and work together to form useful strategies for self-care and dealing with your emotions.
Grief can be particularly difficult if the death of your loved one was sudden or traumatic. Reaching out to a professional can be most helpful under these circumstances.
Let me help you.
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