In this article I explore two theoretical grief models and how they would have helped me make sense of the grief and bereavement I felt when I lost my Dad. If you have your own story of grief and would like to share it with me, I would love to hear from you. Please read my previous article ‘Losing My Dad’, to see where my grief journey began. If you think you might need some guidance on your grief journey, I can walk alongside you.
Making Sense of my Grief
We will all experience grief at some point in our lives. We feel grief because we have lost someone or something to which we have formed an attachment. Loss of any kind, whether it’s the loss of a career, the end of a marriage or the death of a loved one, leaves a hole in our lives that we often don’t know how to fill. The way we grieve is as unique as we are and there is no ‘right way’ to experience the bereavement of losing a loved one. Grief is a natural process and affects all aspects of our lives. It can cause real physical pain and yet the process builds our resilience and brings us to a deeper understanding of the true value and meaning of life.
Theoretical Grief Models
My counselling studies have introduced me to some extremely helpful theoretical frameworks and grief models, notably Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief and J.W Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning. I knew nothing about these models when my Father passed away but when I reflect on those weeks, months and years following his death, I can see how they would have helped me to make sense of my grief. I want to share these theories with you, my personal experience at each stage of my grief, and how they can help you on your personal path through bereavement.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: Five Stages of Grief
Kubler-Ross’s grief model helps to identify and move through the different stages of your grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance).
Denial: Although the denial stage can initially help us to survive the overwhelming shock felt over the death of a loved one; I cannot say that I felt denial. I did feel a sense of shock and numbness. I felt somewhat disconnected from reality and I wished his death hadn’t occurred, however I felt a sense of acceptance early on.
Anger: I most definitely felt a sense of anger. I was pretty much angry with the world. I felt that people should have understood the situation my parents were in and that an intervention could have saved my Dad. I was angry with my Mum for wearing my Dad out. I was angry with my parents’ doctor for dismissing the seriousness of their situation. I was angry with myself because I thought I should have done more to help.
Bargaining: The ‘what ifs’ was a big one for me. ‘What if’ I had not forced my Dad to go to the hospital? ‘What if’ I tried harder to get outside help? Why did my Mum have to have Alzheimer’s disease? Why did my Dad have to die first? Why? Why? Why? If only…….
Depression: I believe depression is commonly associated with grief. I recall feeling intense sadness over the loss of my Dad, but I found myself making time to allow my grief to pour out in a more structured way. If I were feeling particularly sad, I would wait until I was alone at night then I would sit and watch the DVD presentation of all the wonderful memories of my Dad’s life. I would cry my eyes out however doing this also gave me a sense of relief and enabled me to carry on with life and take care of the things that needed to be done.
I developed an attitude that there would have to be a time and a place for me to release my emotions. I didn’t want to be sad around my children and there was so much involved in the care of my mother that I had to find a way to hold it together.
Acceptance: Every bereavement is unique and in my own case, acceptance was something I experienced soon after my Dad’s death. Maybe that was what I needed to feel to be able to cope with what had to be done moving forward. I think acceptance is the moment you realise that although you miss someone terribly and wish you could go back in time, you will be ok if you can find ways to feel comfort rather than pain from the memories.
JW Worden – The Four Tasks of Mourning
Task 1 – Accept the reality of the loss: I must admit that thinking of grieving as something we do as a task sounds odd to me however according to Worden, accepting the reality of the loss is the foundation of healing and I think in my case this was true. I took great comfort in knowing that the rituals such as viewing the body and making the funeral arrangements, would be in the hands of my very capable work colleagues. Most of them knew my Dad as he had spent some time in his retirement tending the beautiful gardens belonging to the funeral home.
Task 2 – Process your grief and pain: According to Worden, we should process our grief by navigating our way through it not by avoiding it. Although distractions are a good way of helping us to realise that there are still things in our lives that can bring us joy, we still feel the waves of grief wash over us and remind us that our loved one is no longer with us. In the early days after my Dad’s death, looking at the roses in the garden at the funeral home would remind me of him and bring a tear to my eye. As time went on, I would feel a sense of his presence and smile knowing that the roses were so beautiful due to his loving care.
Task 3- Adjust to the world without your loved one in it: I think this was the hardest part of the journey for me; It involved having to move my Mum out of the home where she had lived with Dad until his death. It meant a huge downsizing and having to go through, and get rid of, a lot of his things in a short amount of time. I remember sitting in my Dad’s chair by the window and noticing the sticky fingerprints on the window. Those fingerprints were from my children, he would never let me clean the marks off as he said it reminded him of us visiting. I remember a time when my girls, who would have been 2 and 4 at the time, were sitting on his lap. I looked over to see a tear rolling down his cheek and I asked why he was crying. He said that he felt sad to think that he was an old man in his eighties, and he knew he would never get to see them grown up. I will never forget the heartache I felt in that moment.
I am still adjusting!
Task 4- Find a way to maintain a connection to the person who died while embarking on your own life. Worden emphasizes that there is no fixed time frame for the completion of this task and doesn’t suggest we forget about our loved ones but rather we find a way to move forward with our lives with all the wonderful memories of the deceased. I have thought of my Dad every single day since he died nearly 14 years ago. Although he is no longer present in a physical sense, I often find myself repeating the things he used to say or laughing at the things he used to do. I have those thoughts and memories to treasure always.
Our grief is personal, unique and affects us all differently as we move between the stages and progress through the tasks. We will all cope in our own way and in our own time. We grieve because we loved. I can walk with you on that journey
Let me help you
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