In this article I cover some of the difficulties I experienced while grieving and how Anniversaries and significant events can trigger emotions. Allowing yourself to experience these intense feelings as you move forward rather than trying to suppress them can be helpful while you are coming to terms with your loss.
What now?
Dealing with the difficult emotions associated with grief can be intense to say the least. I remember going back and forth between experiencing them and trying to avoid them. Something I learnt was that as hard as it was to experience those intense emotions, it was impossible to ignore them.
Looking back, my grief was as unpredictable as the ocean. Sometimes it was calm and only ripples were felt and at other times the waves were so huge and frightening that I felt overpowered and helpless. I never really knew from day to day, what I would feel.
The difficult thing about the death of a loved one is the fact that there is no solution to the ‘problem’. We spend our whole lives learning how to solve problems and fix things and if we try hard enough and long enough, we will find a solution because that’s what we do isn’t it? The thing is, we have lost someone dear to us and all the problem solving in the world will not bring them back. That’s when we realise that our ‘problem’ is how to manage in a world without them while we are struggling with our emotions as well as our day to day responsibilities.
As time went by, and I experienced the many emotions surrounding the death of my Father, I came to understand that there really is no time frame for grief. Some days are harder than others and you must let those big waves wash over you, allow yourself to be carried until the calmness returns and trust that you will be ok.
I still find the anniversary of my Dad’s death and his birthday particularly difficult days. I remember dreaming a lot about him around those special times for the first few years. They were always happy dreams and seemed so real and comforting at the time. The downside was waking up to the reality that they were just dreams. Next year, May 20th marks what would have been my Dads 100th Birthday.
I found it helpful to let people know why I was feeling a little down on those days. I felt better that I had mentioned it. People were always understanding, and it was an opportunity to talk about him and share a story or two. You must do what is right for you at the time.
Eventually I stopped asking myself unhelpful questions that I knew were keeping me stuck in a place of sadness. All the ‘whys’ and if ‘onlys’ were never going to change the fact that my Dad was gone. I reminded myself of the good times as often as I could. The death of a loved one can really open our eyes to the importance of mindfulness and how easy it is to get caught up in our day to day business without stopping to smell the roses and really feeling the emotion of those special moments with the person we are now missing so much.
The support of family and friends can be so helpful in getting you through the tough times, especially in the first few weeks and months after the death of a loved one. Unfortunately, those annoying things like cars breaking down, appliances going on the blink and many other frustrating things, still occur when you are consumed with grief. These sorts of problems on their own are irritating to say the least, but when you add them to the weight of your grief, you can feel totally overwhelmed and unable to cope.
Sometimes, due to the circumstances of the death, or the complexity of your grief, you might benefit from seeking further help by sharing your thoughts and feelings with a professional Counsellor in a confidential environment. A Counsellor can be an enormous support through a difficult time and will work with you to explore practical and useful strategies to help you manage life while you are grieving.
We grieve because we loved.
Let me help you.
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